Saturday, August 20, 2011

everything's gonna be okay

the fact: i'm scared. i'm scared of the present, but the future scares me more. i'm currently sitting on my bed, typing on my laptop with the lights off. right now, i just want to express myself through blogging instead of sharing it to the people i care about to save them from worrying.

the truth: my emotions/feelings/mood had been somewhat like a roller-coaster this past few weeks. (today, i'm happy. tomorrow, i'm pretty down. the day after tomorrow, i'm okay.) i think it has a lot to do with my relationship with other people especially my classmates and friends. i don't feel at ease with them and i feel awkward sometimes, though i may not show it by acting i'm okay (which is sometimes true.) it seems that they have something against me or they don't like me. i may be a little paranoid, but the feeling that they might hate something about me is really there. maybe i don't always feel that way, but still, its there.. the feeling of being left out, sometimes hated or even unloved.

the realization: i was wrong when i thought that the only reason why my emotions and feelings were easily changed was because of my being paranoid (and also my studies, btw). i haven't thought about the problems that may arise from the only people i wanted to protect no matter what: my family. one of the things i'm sure about is that i can face whatever challenge life throws at me when i know its not one of my family that's being put into danger or being put as a subject of my fear. so the source of my being really scared is this: i have been noticing that my dad had been forgetting a lot of things lately. he maybe becoming forgetful because of his age or maybe because God-knows-what-i'm-thinking-about which i'm praying i'm wrong. i don't want to mention it to anybody right now, even to my mom, even though i badly want to tell her. but as what i've said, i don't want to worry them especially about things that i can't even prove to be true.

all i really want right now is someone who can tell and assure me that EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE OKAY.


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