everything's gonna be okay

the fact: i'm scared. i'm scared of the present, but the future scares me more. i'm currently sitting on my bed, typing on my laptop with the lights off. right now, i just want to express myself through blogging instead of sharing it to the people i care about to save them from worrying.

the truth: my emotions/feelings/mood had been somewhat like a roller-coaster this past few weeks. (today, i'm happy. tomorrow, i'm pretty down. the day after tomorrow, i'm okay.) i think it has a lot to do with my relationship with other people especially my classmates and friends. i don't feel at ease with them and i feel awkward sometimes, though i may not show it by acting i'm okay (which is sometimes true.) it seems that they have something against me or they don't like me. i may be a little paranoid, but the feeling that they might hate something about me is really there. maybe i don't always feel that way, but still, its there.. the feeling of being left out, sometimes hated or even unloved.

the realization: i was wrong when i thought that the only reason why my emotions and feelings were easily changed was because of my being paranoid (and also my studies, btw). i haven't thought about the problems that may arise from the only people i wanted to protect no matter what: my family. one of the things i'm sure about is that i can face whatever challenge life throws at me when i know its not one of my family that's being put into danger or being put as a subject of my fear. so the source of my being really scared is this: i have been noticing that my dad had been forgetting a lot of things lately. he maybe becoming forgetful because of his age or maybe because God-knows-what-i'm-thinking-about which i'm praying i'm wrong. i don't want to mention it to anybody right now, even to my mom, even though i badly want to tell her. but as what i've said, i don't want to worry them especially about things that i can't even prove to be true.

all i really want right now is someone who can tell and assure me that EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE OKAY.

-chatterbug

save and spend

there are probably a lot of things i wanna buy. FYI, i do know how to save. the problem with me is, when i already have the money, i just can't bring myself to spend it.

right now, i am partly broke because i just spent my money with my new dslr last Saturday. actually, my money wasn't enough. it was my parents who paid the 3/4 amount of the dslr. hahaha! i was thankful to them because, finally, they agreed to buy me one after a year of convincing them! (THANK YOU and I LOVE YOU, 'rents!)

well, human as i am, i just can't seem to be contented of what i have. its NOT that i don't appreciate the things i already have (i know i'm very blessed and i thank God for that!), its just that there are still some things i'd love to have. forgive me.

THE LIST:

-off-white low cut chucks

-cool + cute-colored external hard drive

-forever21 credit card

-cool + colorful bracelets

there are still a lot of things i wanted to have, but these are the top things on my current 'must-have' list! :)

-chatterbug

call it karma

i never thought it'll be this hard liking someone who doesn't like you back until now. before, i'm not trying to sound like i'm bragging, but i was used to being liked rather than the other way around. i was used in rejecting people that liked me. its not that i hate them, its just because of these reasons: i'm not ready, i can't see myself with that person, i don't like being in a relationship, i just can't understand myself sometimes, or simply because, i don't like that person. i may have liked someone before that didn't like me back and its just okay with me, but now, its different: i like him to like me back because i LIKE him. (i'm not using 'really' in that phrase because i'm still trying to figure it out.)

now, the tables are turned; i like someone who doesn't like me the way i wished he'd like me. i'm wondering if maybe its karma working on me. i just didn't know it would be this weird and hard to like someone who doesn't like you back and you just can't do anything about it.

here's an old song that had been stuck in my head for a week already: TERRIFIED by KATHARINE McPHEE..

-chatterbug

school sucks

its been a loooong time since the last time i blogged..

i just came home from a photoshoot (not as a model, okay? hahaha!) me and my friend made a clothing line called SPADE and had our photo shoot at SRP. glad he could find a photographer and models without any talent fees. i was the so-called 'designer' of the clothes and stylist. we started around 3pm and ended around 5pm. i was a bit shy and in awe to the models and photographer from the start 'til the end of the photo shoot because they did their best knowing that they don't have any TFs. even though it was a bit exhausting, it was still fun and exciting because it was my first time having a photo shoot with a professional photographer and models.

now that i'm back in our house, my thoughts are now directed to my notes for my first day of school this monday (it sucks because i don't have any copies yet!) and to the requirements that i should finish asap (it sucks even more!)

i just want to relaaaaax! i don't want to be under stress a few days before school starts again!!! can you feel me???

here's one of the songs that relaxes me.. its called FRANCIS by COEUR DE PIRATE. the truth is, i really don't understand french languange but i just can't help but love her voice and the song's sweet melody. hahaha.

-chatterbug

more than stressed

it has been a very stressful week for me! there are a lot of school stuff to do because school days are almost over. i've been really busy since last week but this week was BUSIER! we were asked to do a lot of requirements, projects and reporting from our major subjects down to our minors. because of these stuff (school stuff!), my time and fondness for blogging (and other interests i have) were gone! but i know it's just for now because summer break is just around the corner! i just hope i can do everything i want to do this summer. i just want to relax, totally take my mind off from school-related problems and just have fun. but a part of me knows that won't happen because we'll still have our 3-4 weeks of duty (which, for now, only God and our teachers know when and where, btw!) and a research study to think about. if only shifting from one course to another was an easy decision to make, i would have done that already.

too much for my rants.. i'll just leave a song ROLLING IN THE DEEP by ADELE. i love the beat and the meaning of the song as well as adele's voice. this song was also played in the movie 'i am number four' and when i heard it play in the background, i can't help but sing along! hahaha.

P.S. before i forget, we had our research revalida today and i PASSED! weehoo! HAPPINESS! hope my week will end great. *fingers-crossed*

-chatterbug

yes, i will

it might be a little late to make some goals for this year but as what the saying goes:

..it's better late than never! :)

before 2011 ends, I WILL..

- have at least 100 followers on my: other blogspot, lookbook, tumblr and twitter

- have my own dslr camera

- save at least 15k

- travel outside the country (could be postponed 'til 2012)

- pass my last year in college (partly for 2011 and 2012)

- get to watch The Script playing live

- be patient as possible

- love and learn to appreciate more what i have

- talk less, listen more

- be a good daughter, sister and friend

btw, before my summer 2011 starts, I WILL..

make a sheer maxi skirt (just like the photo above from song of style.)

-chatterbug

i mean it

i'm one of the people who really don't like studying. it's one of the things i really hate doing especially at home! (i don't study MOST of the time even during our long exam weeks! that's how i loathe it!)

almost everyday in school we have a test. there are times that i get tired of my classmates and friends who don't believe me when i say i didn't study the night before. human as we are, most of the time, we only believe what we want to believe. i must admit that i also do things like that to them when i can sense that they opened or read their notes (even just a little) the night before or when i just like joking around. but sometimes i get tired of hearing the same things, so what i do is, i just shut my mouth or admit (not totally admit but just ride with them) that i did study, even though i didn't, just to get over with the conversation. i'm not angry with them.. its just that it's sad when they don't believe me even though I MEANT what i said.

oh well, maybe life's just like that. what i'm really trying to say here is: you can't convince everybody to believe you or dictate them what to believe.

i'll leave you a song that i've been listening for days: PRICE TAG by JESSIE J featuring B.o.B.

there's also a version that i like: click here to watch and listen. its from one of my favorite channels on youtube, CupofThy. i just love watching her videos, cool and fun! :)

-chatterbug